beauty of the butterfly

Yesterday i had a conversation with an acquaintance that really drained me...actually most of the conversations i have with this person drain me...this is probably why i refer to them as an acquaintance rather than a friend (lol). In any case, we were discussing several things - including my relationship status (willingly and happily single, whereas when we first met 2 years ago i was interested in being in a relationship - not with them, just generally), career status (in flux - waiting for school decisions), and religious views (don't really have any, whereas before i identified as a Christian)...and they were noting how these things have changed over the time I have known them (and to some degree, over the few years before this - as i have told them a bit about my college experiences). This person proceeded to ask me (somewhat rudely IMO, but that's their M.O.) whether there is anything in my life and/or about me that has remained constant over the past few years.

Of course this caught me off-guard and actually kind of rubbed me the wrong way. After a second to think, I sort of brushed aside their comment by saying that as a 23-year old I don't feel I'm much different (in that regard) from most other people in my age group/life stage category. I'm not the same person I was in high school, my freshman year of college, or even last year. The experiences I've had have shaped me into the person I am right now at this moment...but I don't expect that the person I am right now is necessarily who I will be in the future. I still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing left. Actually, I think that's part of life...continually adjusting to where you are in your life, and (while certain personality traits may stay constant) shifting the way you see yourself and interact with your environment.

All of this got me thinking about one of my favorite psychology subjects -- Erik Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development -- which is one of the best-known theories of personality in psychology. Much like Freud, Erikson believed that personality develops in a series of stages; however, unlike Freud’s theory of psychosexual stages, Erikson's theory describes the impact of social experience across the whole lifespan. This concept seems much more applicable to me than the concept that (for example) issues with potty training can spill over into later life.

One of the main elements of Erikson’s psychosocial stage theory is the development of ego identity - the conscious sense of self that we develop through social interaction. According to Erikson, our ego identity is constantly changing due to new experience and information we acquire in our daily interactions with others. In addition to ego identity, Erikson believed that a sense of competence also motivates behaviors and actions. Each stage in Erikson’s theory is concerned with becoming competent in an area of life. In each stage, Erikson believed people experience a "conflict" that serves as a turning point in development. These conflicts are centered on either developing, or failing to develop, a psychological quality.

Each of the stages are very interesting, but I'm just going to highlight the three that I think are most applicable to me/people my age.

Psychosocial Stage 5 - Identity vs. Confusion (or Diffusion)

• During adolescence, children are exploring their independence and developing a sense of self.
• Those who receive proper encouragement and reinforcement through personal exploration will emerge from this stage with a strong sense of self and a feeling of independence and control.
• Those who remain unsure of their beliefs and desires will insecure and confused about themselves and the future.

Psychosocial Stage 6 - Intimacy vs. Isolation

• This stage covers the period of early adulthood when people are exploring personal relationships.
• Erikson believed it was vital that people develop close, committed relationships with other people. Those who are successful at this step will develop relationships that are committed and secure. 
• Because each step builds on skills learned in previous steps, Erikson believed that a strong sense of personal identity was important to developing intimate relationships. Studies have demonstrated that those with a poor sense of self tend to have less committed relationships and are more likely to suffer emotional isolation, loneliness, and depression.

Psychosocial Stage 7 - Generativity vs. Stagnation

• During adulthood, we continue to build our lives, focusing on our career and family.
• Those who are successful during this phase will feel that they are contributing to the world by being active in their home and community. Those who fail to attain this skill will feel unproductive and uninvolved in the world.

The most interesting thing to me about the Human Growth and Development course I took last semester (night class at community college) was learning and thinking about these stages. In particular, I was able to incorporate them into a paper I wrote on mixed-race identity development. The stage of identity versus role confusion is especially salient for people of mixed racial/ethnic/cultural heritage because we tend to shift our identities more (over the lifespan) than monoracial individuals. I know this from experience. My "mixed-ness" is a subject that deserves its own post, so for now suffice it to say that my racial identity has definitely been a shifting area for me...something that I reflect on often and give a lot of thought to...(heck, i want to study mixed-race identity in grad school!)...and something that has subsequently influenced my overall identity and sense of self. Though the above bullet points discuss identity versus confusion as applying to adolescence, these stages are not like clockwork...so people achieve identity at different points in their lives. While I do think I have a strong sense of self right now, I don't know that I feel 100% about who I am and what I'm about. It's still something I'm figuring out. (For the record, this is not solely about being biracial, and i'm not going through an identity crisis.) Which is fine, because Erikson saw the stages as a continuum, with identity and confusion at opposing ends. (I love when people leave room for the grey area hehe). So, less than 100% is perfectly ok.

At the same time, I do think that it's important to have a firm grasp on one stage before venturing to the next one. Having said that, I don't at all think I suffer from emotional isolation, loneliness, or depression (as listed above as a negative consequence of identity confusion/diffusion)...nope, not at all! But it is interesting to think about how this may influence my moving on to Stage 6 - intimacy versus isolation...dun dun dun!! (quite a dramatic stage title, no?) I'll probably write about that at some point...don't feel like it at the moment.

Now for my initial comment about how I see lots of interconnection in my life. This morning Nix forwarded me the Real Simple Quote of the day (which I also subscribe to, but she wanted to bring it to my attention):
 “We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”

When I read this quote, I had sort of already been thinking about today's blog post, but after reading it I was further inspired. It really helps to think of the stages of metamorphosis that the caterpillar goes through to become the butterfly...just like we all go through transitions and transformations over the course of our lives to become the people we are (or will be). Unlike the butterfly, however, I don't think we ever get to an ultimate end result (unless you consider that to be whoever you are right before you die). Instead, I'd like to think of it more like we become butterflies and then perhaps our wing patterns change depending on our surroundings. (That's obviously not biologically/scientifically sound but just roll with me, mmk?)

Lots to ponder!!

Today's *big chune* is from British singer Adele...I love her voice and her music...of course, I had a hard time choosing which song to highlight today, but I went with Right as Rain because it's a fun song, after such a reflective and personal post. She'll definitely show up again